The world of BDSM holds a seductive promise: a space to explore desire, identity, power, and connection without the constraints of the vanilla world. For many of us, especially those who’ve lived lives defined by the need to be small, palatable, or pleasing. Kink can feel like liberation. A homecoming. A resurrection.

But here’s the twist in the corset: while the world of kink claims to be subversive, and open, much of it still reeks of the same patriarchal structures we were trying to escape. And as a Domme, a woman who wields power, who commands, who leads, I’ve grown tired of playing by rules that were never meant for me.

The Problem Isn’t the Power, It’s the System

BDSM has been shaped, historically, by male-dominant frameworks. Much of the language, protocols, and expectations were established by cis men, for cis male pleasure. That’s not inherently wrong, but it becomes toxic when that singular lens is treated as the default. When anything outside of it must fight tooth and nail for recognition, respect, and space.

As a Domme, I often feel expected to cosplay male dominance, wearing its confidence, its assertiveness, its entitlement, but without access to the same cultural permission. When I assert myself, I’m called “bossy” or “bitchy.” When a man does the same, he’s “commanding.” Sound familiar?

It’s not just anecdotal. This reflects the deeply rooted gender biases that plague every system, including kink.

Let’s Talk Stats, Shall We?

Power isn’t distributed equally in society, and it sure as hell isn’t in the dungeon either. Let’s ground this conversation in reality:

• Women are significantly underrepresented in leadership: As of 2024, women make up only 10.4% of Fortune 500 CEOs, despite the fact that in the U.S., 59.5% of women hold a bachelor’s degree or higher, compared to 46.4% of men.
  
• Medical research has long ignored women: A 2022 study from the Journal of Women’s Health showed that women experiencing heart attacks are 50% more likely to be misdiagnosed, because symptoms in women often present differently than in men, and studies overwhelmingly focus on male subjects.
  
• Online harassment disproportionately affects women: According to Pew Research (2023), 33% of women under 35 reported being sexually harassed online. On platforms like FetLife, women, especially Dommes, routinely receive unwanted sexual messages, “do-me sub” demands, and unsolicited dick pics.
  
• Mental labor and emotional labor still fall disproportionately on women, even in kinky relationships where power is supposed to be exchanged, not assumed. FemDom dynamics too often demand emotional caretaking alongside dominance, blurring lines and reinforcing invisible labor. Globally, women’s unpaid emotional labor equals to $10.9 TRILLION – yes, that’s a T.
  

In short: systems not built for women tend to neglect, exploit, or silence us, and BDSM is not magically exempt.

So Why Are We Still Pretzeling Ourselves to Fit?

Here’s the truth, the one that rubs like rope burn: If the system wasn’t made for us, why the hell are we still trying to fit inside it?

Why are we teaching ourselves to bark orders like a Dom from a 1990s porno script instead of commanding from the heart of our own sensual power?

Why do we feel the need to justify, explain, or “prove” our dominance when male Tops are rarely asked the same?

Why are we enduring misogyny wrapped in leather and calling it subculture?

The answer is simple. We’ve been conditioned, just like in the vanilla world, to believe that real power must look like their power. But that’s a lie. A delicious, bitter, suffocating lie.

Our Dominance is Not a Derivative

Let me be crystal clear: My dominance is not a man’s dominance in a better outfit.

It is ancient and feral. It is soft and brutal. It is maternal and monstrous. It does not need to mirror what men have done to be real. It is made real by how I wield it, through intuition, empathy, strategy, and erotic intelligence.

Every Domme I know holds multitudes. We contain rage and grace. Devotion and detachment. We mother. We destroy. We see. And yet, so many systems in kink ask us to shrink into binary roles, to sanitize our complexity to be digestible.

I refuse.

And I know I’m not alone.

So What Now? We Build. We Reforge.

It’s not enough to complain about the system. You and I, we’re women of action. So let’s talk about solutions. Let’s talk about uprising. Let’s talk about rebuilding from the ground up.

Here’s what I propose:

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1. Build Sisterhood, Not Silos

Create spaces where Dommes gather, not to posture, but to share. Teach, learn, grieve, rage, and rise. We need community to break isolation. Circles, salons, Discords, munches, all designed for the womxn who lead.

2. Create Safer Entry Points for New FemDoms

Mentorship matters. So many baby Dommes are thrown into the deep end, targeted by predatory “submissives,” mocked by “real Doms,” and left wondering if they’re broken. We need to hold open the gates and the lantern.

3. Write Our Own Scripts

Rituals, protocols, dynamics, let’s decolonize all of it. Stop copying what was never meant for us. Create structures that honor your values, your erotic truth, your style of leadership. You don’t need to sound like a drill sergeant to command respect.

4. Normalize Soft Power

Power doesn’t need to be cruel to be potent. Emotional intelligence, patience, presence, these are not lesser tools. They are sacred. Let’s normalize them in dominance. Let’s exalt them.

5. Call Out and Call In

Harassment is not part of the gig. Unsolicited messages, objectifying language, fetishization of our power, it’s exhausting and unacceptable. Let’s stop tolerating it, and start naming it. Publicly and privately.

6. Create New Metrics of Respect

Honor the bottom as much as the Top. Honor the switch. Honor the genderqueer Dommes, the fat Dommes, the disabled Dommes, the neurodivergent ones. Respect should not be gatekept by looks, popularity, or dick-measuring contest dynamics.

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Take Up Space. Take the Throne. Then Break It and Rebuild It.

We are no longer waiting for permission.
We’re not mimicking their power.
We are building our own.

The future of BDSM is not black leather and silent compliance. It’s warm, wild, nuanced, and just a little bit witchy. It is co-created, consent-driven, feminist at the root. It is built by us, for us, in our language.

Because submission is sacred. And so is domination. But only when both are free.

So if the current system makes you feel like you need to contort yourself to fit?

Fuck that.

Make a system that fits you.
And then invite your sisters to do the same.