For centuries, women have been punished for their voices—too loud, too bold, too direct. But here’s the quiet, searing truth:

Female assertiveness isn’t aggression. It’s ancestral reclamation. It’s the unapologetic expression of self in a world that teaches womxn to whisper.

So how do we rewire ourselves to speak, lead, and exist without apology?

We start by understanding the difference between domination and assertion, between harming and holding, between control and care.

What Is Assertiveness, Really?

Assertiveness is not cruelty. It is not barking orders, interrupting people, or steamrolling conversation. Those are symptoms of power taught in patriarchy.

Assertiveness is clarity.
Assertiveness is grounded truth.
Assertiveness is love that refuses to self-erode.

And when rooted in a feminist ethic of care—as articulated by thinkers like Nel Noddings, bell hooks, and Audre Lorde—assertiveness becomes a form of moral courage.

bell hooks: Love Requires Boundaries

In All About Love, bell hooks reminds us that love is not passive. It’s a commitment to growth—and that includes saying the hard thing. “Love and abuse cannot coexist.” Assertiveness is a boundary with breath.
It’s how we say: “I matter. You matter. And this space between us must honor us both.”

Nel Noddings: Ethics of Care and Relational Clarity

Nel Noddings writes that ethics begins in responsiveness—but that doesn’t mean submission. “To care is to respond with my whole self.” True assertiveness means you remain responsive without disappearing. You speak with clarity, you listen with presence, and you act with integrity to your needs.

Audre Lorde: Using the Erotic as Power

In Uses of the Erotic, Lorde describes the erotic not as sexual, but as our deepest knowing. When a woman speaks from that source, it terrifies systems of control. “The erotic is a resource within each of us that lies in a deeply female and spiritual plane.” Assertiveness, then, becomes sacred—an erotic act of honoring one’s truth without shrinking.

Why Female Assertiveness Matters

• Men interrupt women 33% more often than they do other men. (Harvard Business Review, 2014)
• Women who negotiate are perceived as “unlikeable” or “demanding” compared to men doing the same. (Carnegie Mellon University, 2007)
• Assertive women are 25% more likely to be labeled as “bossy” or “too much.” (Lean In/SurveyMonkey, 2019)

These aren’t isolated incidents. These are systemic patterns designed to discourage womxn from standing tall in their truth.

Resources to Reclaim Your Voice

Books

• The Will to Change by bell hooks
• Caring by Nel Noddings
• Untamed by Glennon Doyle
• Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
• The Power by Naomi Alderman

Podcasts

• The Feminist Reclamation
• Call Your Girlfriend
• We Can Do Hard Things
• No Stupid Questions

Creators & Artists to Feed the Flame

• Janelle Monáe – Reclaiming identity, queerness, futurism
• India.Arie – Self-worth and soulful sovereignty
• Frida Kahlo – Feminine pain made immortal
• Rina Sawayama – Nonbinary rage and power ballads
• Zeba Blay – Author of Carefree Black Girls, reclamation through culture

7 Practices to Strengthen Your Assertiveness Muscle

1. State your needs without apology.
   Practice: “I need time to think before answering.” “That doesn’t work for me.” Say it. Don’t explain.
2. Ask for clarification instead of swallowing discomfort.
   Try: “Can you help me understand what you meant by that?” This is power with, not power over.
3. Use silence.
   Not as punishment, but as power. Let your pause make space for your truth to surface.
4. Write it down first.
   If your voice shakes, write what you need to say. Reading it aloud is still speaking it.
5. Reflect on where you first learned shrinking.
   Your mother’s voice. A classroom. A religion. Name it. Then choose differently.
6. Practice with a sister-friend.
   Rehearse saying hard things. Celebrate each other’s brave words.
7. Forgive yourself when you default to silence.
   Then try again. This is a lifelong practice, not a one-time ritual.
   

Final Word: Assertiveness Is Not a Weapon—It’s a Mirror

• It doesn’t sever relationships.
• It clarifies them.
• It doesn’t dominate.
• It declares.
• It’s the voice of a woman who has stopped asking for permission and started reclaiming her space as sacred.

So go ahead—be assertive. Be loud. Be loving. Be blunt. Be radiant. Be a living contradiction to everything patriarchy ever told you a woman should be.

The world has no idea what to do with an unapologetic woman who loves herself enough to speak plainly.

Let’s keep it that way.